How Is Your Relationship?

How Is Your Relationship?

Everything we experience as beings here on the physical plane… is subject to change….  The one thing we can rely on.. is change…

The man / woman you met two years ago or twenty two years ago is not the same person you met and fell in love with…. The beautiful thing about that is… nor are you!

Every day, every week, every month and every year, we as beings continually evolve.. even when we feel we’re not, perhaps we feel ‘stuck’  … we are still growing and changing, if not mentally, certainly physically.

Being in a relationship is our biggest growth.

It accelerates our change.. for better or worse…

The one thing that I have found over the years in couple counselling is that couples get to a point where they feel like they are living with a stranger.  In our busy day to day lives…. We forget to stop and take stock of where the relationship is at.. let alone coping with work pressures, children, extended families … the list is endless..

One of the most basic and fun ways of ‘getting back into relationship’ with our chosen one… is to sit down over a meal, and ask of each other…. “What is your love strategy.. What makes you feel loved?”

Believe it or not… or like it or not.. WE ALL HAVE ONE….

For example.. one couple I have worked with extensively, and who now have a flourishing relationship have shared this with me.

He is Velcro Man; She  is Teflon Girl.

This was a bit of a problem once the initial honeymoon period had worn off because neither of them knew it.

His strategy of knowing how he was loved was by constant touch.  They would be out at a restaurant and he would be ‘looking for her foot’ under the table, wanting her to rest her foot on top of his, or near his.  Just ONE example of how he craved the touch.

She on the other hand, craved to hear him say… I love you… when she least expected it…

He is definitely kinesetic (touchy feely) whilst she very auditory – loves to ‘hear’ things and not so touchy feely.

Over a period of time.. she being Teflon girl ..would pull away from his constant wanting to touch.. and he… began to feel hurt… began to shut down…withdraw – his needs not getting met.

It didn’t make sense….

They sat down and asked each other the question… “What is your love strategy?  What makes you feel loved?”  and to each other’s great delight and surprise.. they learned… that were so very different.. yet… still very much in love..

So, after devising further strategies.. Teflon girl agreed to ‘stretch’ a little.. and would put her foot on his foot under the table..or hold his hand when out walking , every now and then.   And he.. Velcro man…. Began to devise ways in which he could surprise her by saying how much he loved her whilst grocery shopping….. or in the middle of the movie..

We all have a desire to be loved and love.

When we’ve found the one we believe is for us.. it doesn’t take much to find out what each other likes and dislikes, and what things we can do often enough to ensure the fireworks remain in our relationship despite the trials of busy lives.

One process I have found to be invaluable and encourage couples as well as individuals each year to do is the Values Process

Plan a picnic, and whilst relaxing , do the Values Process together..  Review who you are as both individuals and as a couple.. and what you both desire for the next chapter (year) of your life… reviewing your dreams and goals… both as individuals and as a couple moving forward.

Find out what your partner expects for his / her year ahead, from you as his/her partner.. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about this person you’ve fallen in love with, which can only take your relationship to another level.

When we learn more about ourselves and our chosen one and we can support them on their journey as they support us.